Gotta Love The Brits

[Pete Logan]

Actual News Reports

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[RubberDown]

BRILLIANT!!

[badinfluence63]

I heard English people drink to much is that true? Or just another hurtful generalization? If it was true it would explain those crazy news stories, eh.

[MrMarty51]

[Pete Logan]

Originally Posted by badinfluence63

I heard English people drink to much is that true? Or just another hurtful generalization? If it was true it would explain those crazy news stories, eh.

Europeans in general drink more than Americans. 40 years ago, 8 pints a night was regarded as the basic benchmark. Now that's just for starters.

Brits have a particular drink problem with young people at the moment. Some of them, particularly at weekends, get seriously hammered and this is causing street violence problems in the cities, and to some extent in the towns and villages also.

Supermarkets are using booze as a loss-leader, and also marketing higher strength 'alco-pops' which are aimed at the young, taste like Fanta but are 6 or 7% alcohol.

Drinking in the street is not illegal in UK, and a lot of the young folks get high strength booze from the supermarkets and drink in the street.

Since it's not against the law to get smashed and throw up in the street, some police forces are now paying to put people in taxis to get them home.

It is a political issue again, with calls to tighten up restrictions on drinking.

This is current law on age limits:-

This information applies to England, Wales and Northern Ireland.


The law on the age at which you can drink alcohol is complicated. Before the age of 18, you are not allowed to buy alcohol in pubs or shops, drink alcohol in pubs or outside in public places.


It is also unlawful for anyone else to buy alcohol for you if you are under 18 and the drink will be consumed in a pub or public place.


If you are aged 16 or 17 you are allowed to buy and drink alcohol if it is to accompany a meal bought in the same place, for example in a restaurant.


Any child aged five or over can drink alcohol at home or on other private premises but children under the age of five can only drink alcohol on a doctor's advice for health reasons.

[sfarson]

Pete... Thanks for the share. The Brits have some of the driest and best humor around.

[gsilander]

I'm proud of our humour. Less so of the ridiculous booze-culture we seem to be so famous for.

As a paramedic I spend at least 75% of my shifts dealing with the effects of people drinking too much.

Good quotes though!

[gruss]

Originally Posted by gsilander

I'm proud of our humour. Less so of the ridiculous booze-culture we seem to be so famous for.

As a paramedic I spend at least 75% of my shifts dealing with the effects of people drinking too much.

Good quotes though!

booze culture? jump over to the "herd" threads for that, all booze is served with a complimentary chicken dish of your choice......

[illegal alien]

Pete, thats hysterical mate.. love British humour