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Proud Infidel
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*"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby ?"*
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the*girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Bob, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.*
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Bobby walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.



'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never

Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'



The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'



Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.



The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.



The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.



He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'



The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'



The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'



The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'



The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'



After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'



The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."
 

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A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." GOD BLESS AMERICA !
 

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Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", " To write with a broken pencil is pointless."An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original Lexophile.This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 

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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh, please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.’

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’

So, the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?’

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls ... You must be a DEMOCRAT.’
 

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Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A: So that when they're on the subway train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
 

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Mississippi Cajun
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Best Business name yet:
Was scrolling through the channels looking for something besides this insanity in DC to watch and stopped for a second as I hit an episode of "Live PD". There for all the world to see was a wrecker truck with the business name boldly written on the truck's door: Camel Towing.
 

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The Pope went on vacation to the rugged mountains of Northern Idaho. He was driving along when he heard a frantic commotion off at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless, long-haired, bearded, middle-aged man wearing Patagonia shorts, sandals, and an old "Vote for Hillary" T-shirt.

The man was yelling and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a gigantic, 1,200-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of cowboys all wearing "Go Trump" and America First" denim shirts came racing up on horseback. One quickly pulled out a Henry lever action rifle and fired a 44 Magnum slug right into the middle of the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious man from the bear's grasp. The rest of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the others tenderly placed the injured man in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican and Democrat Party supporters, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not really true and that America is a blessed place in which to live."

As the Pope drove off, one cowboy asked, "Who was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied It's believed by many that he has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the cowboy said, "He may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know nothin' about bear hunting in Idaho. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
 

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Marketing

The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However,
people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well,
here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go
up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk
up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs
your ass. That's the Governor of California

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were
offended. That's America.
 

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God' After a lot of very hard work finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth...

With darkness and light taking turns';

He looked upon it and saw that it was good....

Then An Angel asked him admiringly .....''Amazing''...Now what Lord?..

Hmmm,'' Said the Lord ,...'I think I'm gonna call it a day....
 

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One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?"

Bob got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?”

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Bob replied, "I wasn't..."
 

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
 

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A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-8 driver, flying
off carriers and firin' sidewinder missiles , but when they retired the
Crusader all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every
voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in
the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name
of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For
You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said
"I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player
just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had
the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the
applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was
called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room
was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his
song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The
Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

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